Sunday, March 16, 2008

In GOD we trust....

Disclaimer: All the characters in this post are fictional(except the Mighty Lord!) . Any resemblances to the living ones are only not co-incidental but also absolutely intentional. If people are NOT hurt by this blog, then we have a long way to go!

If you are an Indian (or a pissed off Australian–read ass-faced-sore-loser -a-monkey-can-do-better-captaincy-I-can-only-play-the-hook-shot-well-Yuvi- can-play-better -spin-than-me Ricky Ponting), you would have probably heard of the phrase "In India, Cricket is a religion and Sachin is GOD".

For those who are not familiar with cricket(read lesser children of the above GOD), you might be wondering why so much of emphasis has been put on this tiny man, all of 5 feet and some inches, making a god of a mere mortal. Is it because nobody can smack the ball as beautifully as this chap or make the world's greatest leg-spinner* recurrent nightmares about him or the fact that statistics-wise the only person who comes close to him in one-dayers is Sourav (look-at-me-Im-a-shirt-waving-short-ball-fearing-commie) Ganguly says a lot about him??

*Spinner – Muralitharan, period

The real reason why he is GOD is the fact that he is soo stinking rich he has literally bought out anything that stood in his path in the past and present future. Sounds far fetched?? That’s exactly what Sachin wants you to think. Finally the CAT is out of the BAG!!!. We here, at JoblessDotOrg*, have concrete evidence to substantiate our hypothesis. Read on..

*JoblessDotOrg (n) - Read "The Paranoid Androids" section (Profile Section)

Scenario 1: Shane Warne greatest leg-spinner of all time.

Aftermath : Says that he has recurring nightmares of Sachin.

Dr Obvious* Quotes - "Nightmares occur in one's sleep"

Our Analysis: Sachin sneaks through the grill of a 1 foot window and tapes Shane Warne with his hottie Venezuelan/Mexican/English/India/Korean/……. mistress and includes himself in some parts of the footage. Now, whenever Warne watches this tape, he sees Sachin's face. Hence the nightmares. Q.E.D

*Dr Obvious – India’s latest superhero, known to make statements like “Nightmares occurs in one's sleep” and “It is dark at night”.

Scenario 2: KPS Gill – The dictator of Indian hockey

Aftermath : A team that has won six gold medals failed to qualify for the first time in 80 years. The last time we failed to qualify was in the Greek Olympics and at that time Greeks thought hockey meant bashing people up with sticks( A game still played in the Indian local Domestic circuit)

Our Analysis : Sachin, the God that he is, initially tried to raise a fund to help Gill shave off that 1000km long beard of his. Finally when threatened by KPS Gill's Great-great-grand daughter ( whose beard rivals that of Gill), Sachin finally bought Gill over by marrying off Vinod Kambli's son(oh not his!) to KPS great-great-grand daughter. The dowry was that KPS would have to choose the shittiest hockey team in a long time. Ergo – Hockey Debacle

Appy Fizzy Facts: KPS Gill took over as Hockey chief 14 years back, around the same time Sachin achieved cult status. We, at Jobless, don’t believe in coincidences.

Scenario3: Sunil-(Sunny-not-Little-Master-anymore-selfish-b***d-with-his-boring-technical-commentary- that-we-don't-really-care-for) Gavasskar* terms a thick outside edge of Sachin's willow as "Exquisite and something only the Little Master Blaster(NOTE:. He will no longer be called as little master as now Sachin as taken over the post of little master) is capable of this"

Aftermath : Gavasskar* is stripped of all his records by Sachin and now is officially no longer a Man

Our analysis: Gavasskar has the hots for Sachin and has a huge crush on him. Plus, he's been hired as the official publicity officer of the "Little Master Blaster". (Gavasskar is a loser). We @ Jobless think that the ex-Little Master is an assh**e.

P.S. Sunny was a selfish batsman who only played for statistics and self glory. Such people should he hanged upside down from a electric pole( Ganguly, are you listening?)

P.P.S: We think that the ex-Little Master is an assh**e of the first order.

*Gavasskar (n): A term used for a person who is a loser and plays only for statistics. He’s got an “ass” in his name as well.

Scenario 4 : Vinod Kambli who according to Sachin’s coach (Who cares about him anymore!!) is a once in a lifetime batsman.

Aftermath : Currently, Kambli sports a mighty paunch, a hottie wife and is not even allowed to play in the local gully that he resides

Our Analysis : Hell hath fury upon those who smite the mighty lord!

Scenario 5 : Bradman is the greatest batsman in the world (we are ordered to say that by the Queen of England*)

*Queen of England - The mighty ruler of free India, who thinks cricket is a tasty insect

Aftermath : Bradman, in his last interview ever, said that Sachin reminds him a lot of him in his younger days and might even be a better batsman than him

Our Analysis : Another fact that proves Sachin is GOD! He acted on Bradman before his birth. For all those who are not aware, it was Sachin who bowled the ball, in the guise of a stupid Englishman, the ball which prevented Bradman from having an average of 100.

Also for all those keeping a count, Sachin had visited Bradman just before his death and that's when Bradman made the above statement. To reveal to the public what happened there would just open another can of worms amidst what has already been opened and would probably jeopardize the popularity of GOD alias Sachin, a few Brazilian models and one of the Presidential hopefuls of … (The rest has been classified by the Federal Bureau of Idiots after the approval from it’s supervisor body - Censor Board Of India.)

Scenario 6 : Saqlain Mustaq( The third greatest off-spinner after Sachin and Murali) retired at an age when most of the Indian guys lose their … well…censored considering family viewership.

Aftermath: He wasn't even considered the first time around for ICL and IPL and after a lot of crying from Inzy, Sachin relented.

Our Analysis : Sachin couldn't read Saqlain's doosra(yup, the great maa-ki monkey Bhajji fudged it fom him). He called up fellow conservative Dubya Singh( Read George W) and told him that Paki was harbouring (among others)a terrorist in Saqlain. The US, specialists that they are in lapping terrorists up with any proof, picked up Saqlain and put him in US for around two years where he had to bowl leg-spin(!!!) to retarded monkeys with sticks in their hands(read US Baseball players)

Q: Is Sachin really an off-spinner?

A: NO. (The co-author of this blog was purchased by Sachin for a paltry sum of Rs 120. Incidentally, this is the same cost for one game of bowling at Amoeba).

Scenario 7 : Shoaib Chucktar* is a extremist who is ready to do unimaginable stuff to a goat and then eat it for his lord (Sachin)

Aftermath : Faces a ban from playing any form of cricket( His Cricket'07 DVD is wid me now J) until said otherwise

Our Analysis : This one was the easiest to crack for the Jobless team. Md Asif (one of our favourite bowlers from Paki after Akram) was a tough nut to crack. He was an Sachiest* a darn good bowler. So Sachin sent his left hand man, Chucktar as a triple agent( an agent working for GOD) and made him slap Asif after getting him stoned. Latest reports say that Asif has admitted his short sightedness and has termed Sachin as GOD. Reports also say that Asif might be part of the Paki squad touring SA.

*Chucktar (n)- A no-brainer who's got more testosterone than the hair on his head and one who believes the best way to bowl is by throwing it as hard as possible regardless of the fact that it might reach Gully or Point.

*Sachiest (n) : atheist who doesn't believe that Sachin is GOD
(adj) : Related to or characterized by or given to Sacheism

Scenario 8 : Rain GOD

Aftermath : Conversion was never this high and this was the lowest rating God had ever received since allowing his son to be crucified by Forefathers of present day paki cricketers

Our Analysis : This is a tough one. No one respects a person until he has a post ( and a prime one at that). Imagine where Sachin would have been if he was not called GOD. He wouldn't have received all those ads and all those awards. He had to beat deserving candidates like Vish Anand, Prakash Padukone (C'mon,you have to give it to him for a Daughter like that) and poor Narain Karthikeyan( for his relentless pursuit of a dream that only talented people can pursue). But the clinching evidence was obtained when the 2nd ODI in the CB series against Lanka was washed off. Sachin scored 35 and Gambhir outshone him on a day when Sachin reached his personal milestone of 16000 runs. (Gambhir scored 102 N.O.).Again, too many coincidences.

Scenario 9: Cricinfo, a web site meant for the neutral analysis of the sport.

Our Findings: It has a section called Sachin Zone.

Our Analysis: We don’t state the obvious. That’s the job of India’s latest superhero Dr. Obvious.

Scenario 10: Spectator holding placard that says “Cricket is religion and Sachin is GOD”

Our Analysis: Placard holding spectators are easy to buy. They might cost around Rs 10 per head with a group discount of Rs 30 (for 10 people or more). The rates are higher for ordinary cricketers like Ganguly.

Scenario 11: Sachin (namesake of the Lord + our friend / engg batchmate) flying to US for "higher studies"

Our Analysis: The Lord dint take kindly to his namesake for
a. Being his namesake.
b. For being a left-hand batsman.
c. For being bad at batting.
He simply couldn't allow anyone to cause any disrepute to his name and he sent our pal packing.
We think Sachin (The Lord) owns the Arizona State Univ and many other US univ.

The objective of this post was not to demean the Might of Sachin but just to help the Sachiests to understand what happened to the poor souls who happened to cross the path of the Mighty one! In life, you either are with the Lord or you dont have a life!!




*Sachious (n): Antonym of Sachiest